Here
we come, 2015, a New Year with a New Beginning. Every year at this time it
feels like I’m starting over. 2014 has been a shedding year, much like brushing
my dog, CoCo, when every season begins: her wooly coat thinning with each tuft
of clumping hair I remove until I have a pile of red, silky angel hair that I
throw into the wind. Sometimes I see birds swoop down and pick up a strand to
line their nests as they prepare to usher in their offspring with the
approaching season.
Once
I had a sister who said she raised me until I was five years old, although I do
not remember that. My mother gave birth to me at 40 and took to her bed with
post-partum depression., removing herself for five years from the family. Beth
was 13 years older than I and could do everything better than I could. She
could paint and cook and she was quite beautiful with blue eyes that reflected
the depth of the ocean. Over the years we lost touch and reconnected when I was
30. Beth had married at 18, raised 3 boys by herself, divorced, moved to
California and then went on to become an IT engineer. Her house had burned down
and her second marriage had ended with his addiction. During a visit with her
while recounting one of her experiences, I asked her: “Don’t you ever get tired
of starting over?”
Beth
smiled and chuckled slightly, saying: “No, because that is what life is about.
Starting over.”
Beth
died of lung cancer when I was 49 and I was going through breast cancer. I
never got a chance to say goodbye. We were literally calling each other on the
phone and telling each other our diagnosis one minute and she was gone the
next. I recovered and she did not.
Sometimes
it is hard to imagine that with every shedding there is a new beginning and
eventually, something to be gained. Often it is a remembrance of someone lost
and their words of wisdom with a glimmer in their eyes. Sometimes it is selling
all your belongings with an illusion of freedom and trusting only in love to
propel you forward.
I
feel the love when I look into the eyes of my partner or down at my hands that
ache after a year of hard work. I look ahead at the path before me and see it
strewn with CoCo’s angel hair and rocks that look like jewels. I look at the
things I’ve created and the thoughts I’ve created in my mind that keep me
asking questions.
Bring
it on, 2015, let’s create (a dream).
